Yesterday I presented to a room full of people more powerful than me, more experienced than me, and more wealthy than me. I know didn't use perfect grammar there either but colloquial is me right now. It felt like withstanding a higher temperature, a new level of pressure. I did the thing that I do whenever I stop thinking, I let my instinctive self take over. Its like I'm 13 again and I forget that I'm supposed to be insecure. I forget that I'm supposed to be self deprecating and apologetic. Its just pure instinct with no time to think. I feel like in those moments I am using my truest spirit. Its interesting to see what you're really made of sometimes, the things that are just your blood and have nothing to do with nurture or practice. I guess its like trying a new sport or exercise, it feels just as physical. This job I'm doing is higher pressure than any one I've ever had before. I'm the boss, I commanded a room of people like a director. I felt small, it was so strange. I like it though, its deeper than being in the middle, deeper than being an assistant. I'm still afraid of the burn, I'm afraid of not delivering, not being perfect. But the more others believe in me, the easier it is. I wish my mom could have seen me, it was a "look mom!" moment. I'm too old to be having those, but its not about me really, its about me being hers. It's like she is doing it, the blood is doing it, the family is doing it. What I'm doing is not me, I cannot take credit, I credit my family history, I credit the stars that made me on a molecular level, I credit the ancestors spirits that carry me every day, I credit my privilege.

A YEAR LATER ITS ALL THE SAME

I sometimes think about how silly this blog is, but I'll keep doing it anyway. Especially since I seem to only write in it once every year. I'm writing because I spoke to myself in the mirror today. Today I said "You are valuable." I said it because its easy for me to feel worthless, since I don't have the things I "should" have at my age. I've been socialized to believe my worth lies in my ability to attract men. And so far I've not done such a great job. I'm 31, single, and I'm looking basically as good as I'm ever going to look. And so I and I'm thinking maybe marriage and kids isn't in the cards for me. I've thought that basically since I was 14 years old, so its possible I'm just pulling off a self fulfilling prophesy, but I'm still surprised that my life isn't anywhere close to where I thought it would be. You may say I'm crazy for thinking 31 is too young to throw in the towel...but in Mormon world- I have aged out of desirability. I can just sit back in the cruise control of a family ward and let the clock tick by. So what does that mean? I choose a life of celibacy and devotion to God while everyone around me has families? Or do I give up my faith in hope that someone else will want me since I'm an old bag according to the Mormons? Is it better to be alone inside the fold, or to have a family outside the fold? And this is the moment where everyone feels awkward about my pity party and I explain- I am grateful for my experiences and for my life in New York. It's all been really great. I can't imagine living anywhere else as an old bag. At least here, there's only a small demographic that knows:) So I am going to tell myself in the mirror every day "you are valuable", because I am. And there is no sense anymore in worrying if a man thinks that's true or not.

EGGS

WAIT WHAT?!!! I just watched The New Girl and they said you lose like 90% of your eggs by the time you're 30. I am 30! In January! That means I might as well be 40 which means I might as well be dead and I am never having kids or if I do they will have Down Syndrome!! FREAKING OUT!! How come no one ever told me this? I am not financially, emotionally, romantically, logistically set up to have children yet and I probably won't be for like 10 years and then it will be too late!! WTF? Okay, today has been really weird. Am I really not going to have a family? Is there anything I can do to change this? Like pay my tithing or something???

11/28/12 #MYSISTERSAID

TODAY yogurt and 2 eggs, walked Dakota, called my sister. "So do you want to get married the temple? Or do you honestly not care either way?" "I don't know, when I think about it I picture the Gossip Girl episode of when Chuck Bass went to a masquerade. The one where it was the super secret skull and bones kind of club. I don't think the temple is evil like that, I just feel really out of place." "So you are worried about the expectations that accompany the commitments you make there." "Yes! I mean- I already have issues about being imperfect, why would I want to make higher commitments that I will fail at? It's just further for me to fall. I already feel bad every Sunday I miss a meeting, I don't want to look in my underwear drawer every day and see garments compelling me to obedience. I don't want to feel guilty every time they are off my body. I don't want to hurt my spouse if I have a glass of wine. And when I think about getting married it feels totally foreign, like it could only happen in another universe. I mean, I could go, I'm temple worthy if I just pay my tithing. I could turn off my brain, go get married wear garments all as long as my brain is turned off. The problem is that my brain is turned on right now and the whole thing seems super heavy." "Getting married is a serious thing, you are choosing what the rest of your life will be like." "Yeah, I think its too much, I would combust under the pressure." "I feel like I swayed you away from it more than you were before." "I guess its better that I know though." She had to go to class, the conversation was like 2 hours long. That was the main of it. Maybe I'll add more later. Bear in mind, I grew up in the Red Rock Stake in Las Vegas, in the Summerlin Ward. Its probably the most righteous ward in the world, the Stake pulled almost all its leadership from it. I love the people there, it should have been translated by now. It's a lot to live up to. Their version of "just try your best" is not exactly average. Writing this now it all just seems like an excuse but I honestly think that a Mormon guy would be happier with someone else, so why do I keep looking for one? Especially if I'm psyched out by the temple.

DON'T BE PRECIOUS

Sometimes I forget, "don't be precious about art, just make it." Its liberating to be reminded of that. Maybe I'll make some today:)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

One of my favorite memories is my dad reading from my Grandmother's journal. She wrote about going to the soda shop, not doing drugs or drinking cause she just wasn't into it, and meeting her British pilot husband over the phone. I kept a journal at BYU, reading it is a little depressing because its mostly about my God guilt. I wish I had written about my day to day stuff. I also loved reading Susan Sontag's journal, it has short lists and vignettes of simple life stuff. It's easy to feel like I'm constantly recording thru things like Instagram and Facebook and blogs, and I think I am for sure, but there is nothing like the tactile handwritten journal all in one place. Somewhere you can flip back to a date and see what happened that day. Maybe if I get a beautiful book I'll actually use it. Leather or cloth, something that will disappear on a shelf and look good with other books. A book for every year, 365 pages.

DETAILS

I was on a job in Rhode Island this weekend, I was in a car for about 12 hours with someone called me out on a detail. It simultaneously made me unnerved and feel loved. It wasn't anything super special, but he told me I'm a slow burn. That I take my time in all things. I live far from the train, I spend time with those I'm close to rather than new people, I make art that is time intensive- a slow burn. While I myself know that I am that way, I always thought I came off as flighty and friendly. So when someone can call me out on who I am, in a detailed way, it really blows my mind.

BUMMED OUT

I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

CHURCH

I've been going to church the last 3 weeks. Trying to make it a habit again because I think its good for me. I like the structure, the community, and the singing. It feels good to touch base with God and have a minute to think. Here's the problem with the minute to think part. I get very very very sad sitting there thinking. I see all these wonderful women, they are beautiful and kind and have kids and husbands and seem to have it all together. I know they are human and have flaws and all that, but damn, they are amazing! I will never be one of them and it really bums me out. I know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, but how can I not? We come from the same background, and yet somehow I totally missed the boat. I beat to my own drummer, I'm weird, unsure of everything, and still feel like I don't have an identity. Its like they knew something early on that I didn't. What did I miss?!! Anyway, I'm going to keep going to church, despite how bad I feel about myself when I go. After all, I really like the singing.

SISTER SAID

"Put this on your blog!" "I pray and I don't get answers. Whenever I just do what I want it turns out best. I didn't pray about marrying my husband, or about my career, or about where I should move and it all turned out great! Now I'm praying to get pregnant, and asking what I should do to make it happen. I get no answer. I'm taking all these hormones and going to the doctor all the time and I'm miserable. I'm taking my life back and going with what I feel is right for me because that's what always works out." Amen sister!

HE SAID TO ME

"He should know better than to go after a Vaughn girl, especially the queen bee."

SUMMER DAY

She met up with an old flame at the new pool that just opened in Williamsburg. They hadn't missed a step with each other although it had been almost a year since they last met. The pool was crowded to a point that you felt like you were in Beach Blanket Bingo, but sand was replaced with concrete. It was a mix of people, a watering hole exactly. She felt happy, the water, the sun, and the man made for a good mix. His humor reminded her why they had chemistry. He touched her in the water briefly while she stretched, in a comfortable non flirty way that let her guard fall down a little. After a couple dips they went to Jimmy's Diner. It was remarkably un-crowded for a restaurant in Williamsburg on a Saturday so they were seated right away. She ordered chicken and waffles, he a breakfast sandwich. With how good the food was and how easy the day was going, they both felt a little drunk on summertime. She knew her guard was falling and he might ask her to come over. They left Jimmy's saying goodbye, he hugged her with his whole body. She had not been hugged in that way in at least a year. She let her stomach relax so it could get closer to his, and let her face nuzzle his neck. He kissed her, in the brightness of day and asked her to come over. She said no, she needed to walk the dog. He said to come over after.....She said okay. His bed had not changed. She remembered why they stopped dating. But she like the bed, was not any different. The sun made long shadows before it disappeared. She was full, and felt connected to her body. On her way home she rode her bike through the water of a spraying fire hydrant. It reached in an arched rainbow across the entire street to fully immerse anyone that passed.

MY DAD SENT ME THIS

This is pretty discouraging

OK CUPID DATE

My sister told me I need to update my online dating profiles. So I did. After my profile was on silent for a year it was resurrected to "put myself out there." I'm now updated on ldssingles and okcupid.com. On Wednesday I went on a date with a 25 year old software developer that likes to cycle. He was pleasant, good conversation, and had good social cues. I didn't feel pressure, it was just two nice people in the neighborhood meeting up for a drink. I was happy to be keeping my chops sharp and at the end of the date I thought, I wouldn't mind seeing this guy again. Now that all the surface info is out there, here is what was actually going through my head. I've been watching The Bachelorette (don't judge), and on that show, Emily gets to ask all the tough questions right off the bat. Time is precious on that show so they have to move it all forward faster than you normally would. But I ask, why can't I do that too? I know there should be mystery and nuances and all that, and I think you still can even when you lay it all out on the table. But asking all hard questions at least finds out if you are on the same page. I don't want to scare a dude off by talking about babies and stuff, but at the same time, I don't want to be with someone who IS scared off by that. I just wanted to cut to the chase. I have a hard time just having a nice time, small talk conversation. Let's get real! Who's with me?!

GETTING THOSE PRIORITIES DOWN

Lets just stop messing around here. I want to be in love, I want to have babies, I want the house, the kids, the cooking, and the ladies crafting night. I'm a New York independent woman and I want what I want when I want it! Normally I'm not so brazen, but I've been taking care of a small dog that cuddles and loves me and we played with 2 little girls today and I'm pretty sure I'd be VERY happy if that were a regular occurrence. I want to stop pining and waiting and hoping. I want to move on! I spend all my energy on being happy with whatever God gives me, but right now I'd like to move much faster.