A YEAR LATER ITS ALL THE SAME

I sometimes think about how silly this blog is, but I'll keep doing it anyway. Especially since I seem to only write in it once every year. I'm writing because I spoke to myself in the mirror today. Today I said "You are valuable." I said it because its easy for me to feel worthless, since I don't have the things I "should" have at my age. I've been socialized to believe my worth lies in my ability to attract men. And so far I've not done such a great job. I'm 31, single, and I'm looking basically as good as I'm ever going to look. And so I and I'm thinking maybe marriage and kids isn't in the cards for me. I've thought that basically since I was 14 years old, so its possible I'm just pulling off a self fulfilling prophesy, but I'm still surprised that my life isn't anywhere close to where I thought it would be. You may say I'm crazy for thinking 31 is too young to throw in the towel...but in Mormon world- I have aged out of desirability. I can just sit back in the cruise control of a family ward and let the clock tick by. So what does that mean? I choose a life of celibacy and devotion to God while everyone around me has families? Or do I give up my faith in hope that someone else will want me since I'm an old bag according to the Mormons? Is it better to be alone inside the fold, or to have a family outside the fold? And this is the moment where everyone feels awkward about my pity party and I explain- I am grateful for my experiences and for my life in New York. It's all been really great. I can't imagine living anywhere else as an old bag. At least here, there's only a small demographic that knows:) So I am going to tell myself in the mirror every day "you are valuable", because I am. And there is no sense anymore in worrying if a man thinks that's true or not.