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I change when I go home for the holidays. When I'm here I feel free to be in love. This feeling manifests itself in random text messages to the men in my life, men that are clear across the country, far out of reach. And I say things I would never say back in NY for fear of the proximity bringing consequence to my doorstep. The holidays are like a free pass to be candid, I get wrapped up in the ooey gooey and as much as I let it take me away, I still am cautious enough not to say anything to anyone that would respond with the same tune. Why? Part of me wishes I could be more like this back in the city, maybe someone WOULD respond with the same tune and it would be awesome...but I'd rather not take the risk of embarrassing myself.
Here is the other thing, when I am in New York I don't feel the need to have tons of kids, but when I'm here, I do. In New York I almost feel guilty at the idea of having children, its like having a pet there. The excuse not to is that they wouldn't have a yard, or space, or time with me so it wouldn't really be fair to the pet....or child. When I'm here I want to fill the space with family. 3 kids isn't enough, it would need to be 4, its just more fun that way. It interests me that based on my environment, based on my space, or proximity, I feel like a different person. The question is which one do I want to be?