MEMORIAL DAY

Memorial day, memorial day trivia at the bar on my block with neighbors. He had been drinking since 4, I was sober. He touched my leg, I knowingly laughed and put my hand on top like a game. He asked if we were going to make out after, I laughed and said "what? that was bold of you" hoping the humored response would throw him off as much as he had thrown me off. He asked again- are we going to make out. I said, "where is this coming from? we have known eachother for years!" That didn't work either. He touched my leg, I turned as if i wasn't noticing. then he asked what he could do to seduce me I said "no." He said what are you doing after this? I said maybe I'll take a walk, or work on something at home. He said we could walk together. I said okay to get him off my back, knowing it wasn't going to happen. The night ended with me safely in the arms of a friend who did not want to seduce me, and drunk horny friend walking home alone. But I kept thinking about the question he asked- what do I have to do to seduce you? You'd have to be my friend, make me feel safe, let me see something you do that is noble, and maybe even convert to mormonism? I have to know that your goals in life involve, marriage, family, and financial stability. Seduction is a delicate thing, maybe I'm weird, but I'm into that kind of "good guy friends family values trust" thing. Have I lost all romance? have I lost my caution to the wind and experience it all attitude? I think so.

STRANGERS ADVICE

One of my sister's patients lived in New York for 10 years and then moved to Tennessee. They were talking- "People in New York are not interested in dating, they are interested in their careers and are not family oriented. They have different priorities. If your sister wants to get married and have a family she has to leave New York." Oh lovely lady, thank you for your insight, I wish it was that simple.

ONLINE

I'm visiting my loving sister in Alabama right now. Seeing her and her husband makes me want to be in love so bad. So bad in fact that I resurrected my online dating profile.

CONVERSATIONS ON SET

Today the photographer I was working with said, "you know, life is great, but its even better when you have someone to share it with." Like an arrow to my heart I was stopped cold. I know its true, but I don't want to think about it. I don't want to hope for something I have no control over. But do I have control over it? No- my therapist said control is an illusion, and Bro. Christiansen said at Ed week that before you play a duet, you just play the piano alone as best as you can. Thats what I'm doing, I'm playing the piano alone as best I can. Am I playing to an empty room? People keep talking around me about how they are going to leave New York and have families because the quality of life is so much better elsewhere. Do I need to leave New York to find love? It hardly seems fair that I would have to give up my first love NYC, for a possibility that may never come to fruition. Then where would I be? playing to an empty room in some other city not as great as the one I'm in now. I guess what I'm saying is that I would rather be alone here than alone somewhere else. If I found love though, I wouldn't care where I was.

SUPERMOON

I got a dog, don't know if I mentioned that, but she is a darling little daschund and she has completely taken over my life. I was thinking that maybe this is all I need. I could be like a cat lady except with just one dog. All my emotional needs to be loved and to care for something warm and little would be fulfilled. My mood has been better, my mind no longer has the chance to go existential before the puppy looks up at me and melts it all away. But- this Saturday night was the super moon. The full moon that is supposed to be the brightest of the whole year. I felt romantic and open and excited about what could possibly happen with all that cosmic energy swirling around on such a warm night. I was hoping for something more than what that little puppy can give me, I was looking for a MAN. Needless to say nothing happened but I did make some memories involving drinks, a long walk, a Brit, and fried chicken at 3am. It was fantastic and I can't complain. What I'm saying is that I am ready for a date. No supermoon needed, just a good old fashioned date. Is it time to resurrect my OKCupid profile??? Maybe.

SUNDAYS

Ever since I decided to try and go back to church I have been getting work on Sundays. Coincidence??? or the Adversary?!! you decide. Cause I feel like the work has been a huge blessing. Does God not give blessings on Sundays? Either way, I'm giving huge thanks to God for these jobs, its been pretty awesome. I still feel totally guilty though. Keeping the Sabbath was the one rule I managed to keep somewhat intact for most of my life. Another one bites the dust I guess. How much is my integrity worth? If Jesus was in the room would I take the job? I guess not??? but where is the promise that it will pay off later? I need the money now. I guess my integrity isn't worth that much then. See! this is the inner dialogue that happens when you are Mormon! I know I'm not the only one with this turmoil. I simultaneously feel great for getting these jobs, and terrible for taking them. I'll never win.

RISING TO THE OCCASION

It doesn't take much to make me change my tune. That last post was a bit of a rant, and I stand behind it, but I'd like to make this one more of a shout out. Let's hear it for the boys! Today I had to work a long day after getting food poisoning and pulling a 10 day work week. The puppy I just got has been a lot to handle, especially when I'm puking and can hardly walk and its all just a bit much to do by myself. So my friend Jeff came and took the puppy, gave me a hug, and has kept me updated every few hours on how the pup is doing and how work is going (he is also working on this job with me). That is all I needed!! I can't sing enough praises to him. He's HANDLING it, so I don't have to. He's giving me updates so I don't worry!! its amazing. Which is making me realize this- Its not fair to men that I have this issue of thinking the world is on my shoulders. I need to chill out. Relax and trust a little bit more so I don't give myself grey hair. I am an oldest child, I had a lot of responsibility, a lot of adult responsibility. I took on my parents problems at an early age and it has made me a little cuckoo in some areas. I get distrustful and think the world is going to crumble, I think I will be disappointed etc. These are my issues and I'm working on it! I'm sorry to the men in my life that unfortunately have to suffer the consequences of my upbringing. But that is life right? We are a collection of experiences. When we meet, we are meeting the summation of that person up to that point. This is what I've got. Now I need to be the one to rise to the occasion.

WORK ETHIC

Right now I live with people who when they wash the glasses, I can still see the grime of fingerprints and lip stains on the outside. Right now I have guy friends who will let a dog pee on their carpet and not clean it up because they don't have paper towels. They are almost 30 and allow mountains of beer cans to pile up in the kitchen uncovered. The dustbunnies surrounding their tangled electronics haven't moved in over a year. And this is not the exception of a male household, its the general rule and I HATE it.

My married sister said that men are just like that. They don't fold towels, they don't clean dishes, and they don't do anything 100%. She says women just work harder than men. She loves her husband and she says he makes up for it in other ways. She is totally okay with that, but I am totally not. She said its second nature for women to think of what it takes to complete a task well. So I ask, why shouldn't it be the same for men? Why don't they also step up their game so we don't have to?

I can't remember the movie, I think it was a terrible one, but there is a scene that exemplifies it perfectly. Jennifer Aniston asked Vince Vaughn to pick up 12 lemons for a centerpiece for the dinner table. He came back with a lime (or nothing, I can't remember). Why is that okay? why is that funny? It's the most frustrating thing in the world. She counted on him and he failed massively. If it was his job he should be fired. And this is just a small cinematic example of the bigger problem.
Women just don't do that, whether its guilt driven or ingrained after centuries of multitasking, they are just better at stuff. A woman would bring the 12 lemons and it wouldn't be a big deal. So why do so many men do things half assed and its supposed to be charming? "oh look how helpless he is, he can't pay rent so I'll let him sleep in my bed with me for free for 4 months." PUKE!

And even though a guy will often rise to the occasion if asked, I don't want to ask. I don't want to be the nagging bitch nit picking at every little thing. It makes me not like myself. And it takes so much time! I might as well do it myself.

Okay, I do know men who aren't like this. My dad for one is not like this. He cleans way more than my mom and always does what he says he is going to do. If he exists, there must be more men like him. And I know them when I see them. Here are a few clues into seeing the diamond in the rough.
- if he pushes in his chair
- if he grabs your empty plate as he moves his to the sink
- if he folds the handtowel when he puts it back on the rack
- if he gives you one paper instead of handing you the stack (this is in a classroom scenario)
- if he does not put laundry on the floor.
- if he enjoys folding his socks (one of the sexiest things I've heard on the phone was "I'm just folding my socks.")

These things show attention to detail, they make me swoon! which in turn makes me feel like in a relationship, he will notice my details. A careless man makes for a careless companion and is not for me. It may seem judgmental but have you ever seen otherwise?

I'm not perfect, I let things fall through the cracks. I forget and can be quite inconsiderate at times. But I try hard to do things well,

So dear dudes, I love you, you are sexy and funny and I want you to make me yours, but please please please- love is not enough, get yourself a Swiffer and scrub, cause it will make me want you even more.

PASSION + A LITTLE CREATIVITY = AWESOME

IT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT-

Sometimes I feel like if I go back to being Mormon that I definitely won't get married.
I'd be happy either way, single forever, or married, I'm a generally happy person I'd just roll with the punches. Here is the thing though, I love New York, I don't know where else I would ever live. I could move... but I can't imagine where I would be able to do what I do, and enjoy all this city has to offer. But if I do want to get married, I can't live here.

These are my options for Mormon men to date in NYC.
- old and weird (weird as in smells bad)
- short and old
- tall and weird
- gay
- career focused and not thinking about marriage right now
- awesome and already married or dating
- interns??
- or just not interested in me which-is-totally-cool cause we are probably friends
I know! shocking right? You would think there were more options but there isn't, and hasn't been anything but this for the last 4 years.

My friend said there are lots of guys in Salt Lake right now that really would love to find a wife.
Problem: what am I going to do in Salt Lake?

Pauline says all the good ones are on the West Coast (she is moving there)
Problem: where will I work? and I don't want to live in LA or SF

I know there is always a possibility it could happen here, but if I'm realistic, its just not likely. My father said a city can't love you like a family can. It totally pulled at my heart, I don't know what to do.

MAKING GOOD CHOICES GETS BORING

I've been watching the UK show Skins, I really love it. It uses drama, youth, and nostalgia to grab at my heart with a dance/shoegazer soundtrack. It reminds me of unforgettable nights in my own life. Here is the thing though, most of the adventures they get into are fueled by poor choices. Lots of alcohol, sex, and fighting. If you took all that away, it would be pretty boring, and that's where I'm at. I've stopped "seeing what happens if...". I don't enjoy it, I like feeling happy and healthy, but I freaking miss DRAMA. I told a friend about this over the phone, how I don't want to make poor choices, but I'm super bored. He said this,"You just need to have kids." I laughed so hard because I think he's right, kids are all the drama I'll ever need.
I guess in the meantime though I'll just keep watching Skins.

THE CUDDLE TRICK

When I was at BYU, when a dude wanted to cuddle, it would inevitably turn into a makeout. I think that is pretty standard. Or would it really be a cuddle! no judging, it is lovely to bask in sexual tension, the buildup is often better that the payoff. In the world outside the bubble though, a proposal for a casual cuddle actually means something else. A friend of mine recently mentioned that on OKCupid someone asked her to "play doctor." She refused and he asked if they could just cuddle. I warned her its a trick, there is no such thing as a casual cuddle with a stranger.
You should read through my phone, guys think they are being sly when they text a late night cuddle proposal. We both know what is going on here, thank you for the cover up though so that tomorrow I will feel less guilty since we originally had "such pure intentions."
No thank you.

MORE POST CONFERENCE

Conference really got me thinking about returning to the church. After all I'm a lot more comfortable with the lifestyle, and I enjoy the uplifting parts of it. I told a friend of mine who also is a bit wayward, and he said. "What have you got to lose?" So I am considering a trial return. And as we all learn in primary, the adversary will do everything to keep you away-

Yesterday I was delivering a piece of art, and the guy who bought it started asking me questions on our walk from the frame shop. He asked me all the questions that make Mormons sound crazy and I had to answer back --- with all the crazy answers. He said,"do you hear how that sounds??" I said yes but its no more crazy than any other religions origin stories. It's not what is important, its important to treat others well, have charity, and take care of your family. He said, "can't you do that without religion? isn't that just part of being a good person?" I said yes, but it gives you an organized context to do it in. "I just don't want people to tell me how to live and who I can and can't marry."
Here I was, just barely in the beginning thoughts of coming back to church, and I had to defend a faith I'm not even totally sure of, and with the gay marriage issue staring me right in the face. I laughed inside at how formulaic it seemed. "The Devil will try to get you when you are on the path to righteousness!!" I can hear my mother saying it now.
The conversation continued back and forth, covering issues about gold plates, secret underwear, multiple wives, and ended when we reached his workplace. I think he still thinks well of me despite my "faith", but its crazy how worked up people can get when it comes to Mormonism. It gives me anxiety, like I shouldn't share it out of consideration for their blood pressure, and mine. Despite that, I welcome these experiences, it sure beats small talk.

POST CONFERENCE THOUGHTS

I have always liked Conference, I enjoy listening to the heartwarming stories and well wishes spoken by wise men that are experts in spirituality. I like participating in the ritual of nationwide pajama church. So--- I meant to listen to it, it was playing in the background while I was working on my website. I thought I could multitask, but honestly I don't think I absorbed anything, HTML world was too strong. BUT I will tell you this. After a nice weekend, of being uplifted by osmosis, I did feel good about the church. I heard tidbits of things like "poverty is less prevalent where marriage is prominent," and "its never too late." I was happy.
Then Sunday night came. To keep it short, I was wakened by loud sex happening in the room next to mine (New York thin walls...). I thought it would only last about 10 minutes, but by 2am I was furious. I put had in earplugs and pulled pillows over my head and NOTHING could block it out. I didn't want to listen to music or a movie because I just wanted to sleep. In my heart racing anger, thoughts went through my head- if I lived with Mormons this wouldn't happen, this is my punishment, if this is what life is like outside the church, I want no part of it. It followed up with hating on casual sex, hippies, Craigslist 420 friendly deadbeats with cats, Obama, and New York. It was 3 in the morning at that point and I think I can take most of it back, but that morning I got on Craigslist to search anywhere but Williamsburg and put in the keywords "no pets."
I hope I can find a new apartment, somewhere that the roommates agree no one wants to hear you smashing your uglies all night.

MOVING AND SHAKING

Every year at about this same time I want to leave New York. Something terrible happens, or I just get a weird feeling that I should run, get out and find the sun. Everyone around me seems to have the means to jump to Puerto Rico or Mexico at a moments notice. I don't really think more vacation is what I'm looking for. I just want to feel good again about where I live. I often feel like I stay in a place just long enough to burn bridges and develop an irreparable reputation- and then I leave. Its my trend. I haven't quite done that here, but I'm coming up on my 4th year in NY, so it can't be far off. I feel like haven't done anything of note here...... but really that is just because I'm still single. No secular accomplishment really holds a candle to hooking a husband in the mormon culture. Hence my inability to see value in anything I've done.
I was raised in a waiting room, where all I have to do is stand against a wall and wait to be picked. Unfortunately I wasn't blessed with the looks or personality to be picked first, and no one really taught me what to do if I'm still waiting at the wall at 29. No one taught me how to dance by myself. I'm working on it though, day by day, 1-2-3- cha cha cha....