HARD TO CONNECT - POST MORMON

Not everyone grows up with the weight of eternity on their back. When you do it makes you think and act differently, and it definitely makes you less able to relate to non-mormons. Each time you drink a cup of coffee, you are thinking of God. Every time you talk to a member of the opposite sex, you are thinking of them in the afterlife with you. Every time you wake up on a Sunday, you are thinking of church, God, and repenting for the tardiness that is about to happen when you finally DO get to church. Every move is a stepping stone to where you are going to be in the eternities and that is a lot of pressure!
I'm trying to get over that pressure and move into a more normal mode of thinking. The problem though is that I like the way people are that think about the big picture. There is a connection there that I haven't found with anyone else. Its deeper, clearer, and more intimate. So how do I feel those things with someone, without the connection being through mormonism?

MY PHONE IS FULL OF TEXTS

Tonight I received texts from a gentleman in Utah. Far enough away we are both free to say anything and know we will never have to serve time for it. Here is the thing though, you can only go so far before one person gets vulnerable. If you talk about having children, building a house (big windows, scandinavian, modern, eco friendly) having a tree house, making love, and having an art studio........all the defenses are going to go down. Sorry, that is music to my ears and I no longer have a defense wall for you to bounce your flirts off of. Oh- and then he threw in "I'll give you a massage first." What?! Who are you sir? Every girls dream?
The last time I met this guy he was so forward that I shot him down as soon as he started. Intermittently since then I have received apologies and friendly hellos. Then all of a sudden over the holiday I get this? I am strong, I can fight the scoundrels, but when you bring modern architecture into it......I just....have...no...strength.

EVERY CHRISTMAS ITS THE SAME

My dad just asked me what my boyfriend's name was, in hopes that he would catch me and I would accidentally say it. I had to respond with -
"sorry Dad, no boyfriend."
"I'm never going to have grandkids."
"Sorry, maybe ask one of the other ones."

A WORTHY NOTE

My sister mentioned something to me today. She made an analogy that I quite liked.
"You know when you are at Buffalo Exchange and you are looking at clothes- there is a reason those clothes are there, there is something wrong. Its the same on Millionaire Matchmaker, there is a reason those people are on there." I feel like I am at Buffalo Exchange every time I go to church in Manhattan. The thing is though, I'm there too. All of us Manhattan Singles are on the Island of Misfit Toys.

CANDID CONVO

Last night my sister and I were talking about what do do about finding "the one." Here is the dilemma. We are both really happy where we are with the church, we don't want to go thru the temple, don't want to make those promises that really up the stakes on affecting our eternal fate. We are happy participating in church as it is now. But that does make it extra tricky if we want to find an "eternal companion". Are there any men in the church that feel the way we do? Is anyone else okay with being a sort of middle mormon? Men go on missions, and it seems to seal the deal on being a full fledged follower, and a full fledged follower wants a woman who is the same. Where does that leave us? I don't see myself changing, and if she and I both feel this way, there have to be others that feel this way too. Right?

HOME

I change when I go home for the holidays. When I'm here I feel free to be in love. This feeling manifests itself in random text messages to the men in my life, men that are clear across the country, far out of reach. And I say things I would never say back in NY for fear of the proximity bringing consequence to my doorstep. The holidays are like a free pass to be candid, I get wrapped up in the ooey gooey and as much as I let it take me away, I still am cautious enough not to say anything to anyone that would respond with the same tune. Why? Part of me wishes I could be more like this back in the city, maybe someone WOULD respond with the same tune and it would be awesome...but I'd rather not take the risk of embarrassing myself.
Here is the other thing, when I am in New York I don't feel the need to have tons of kids, but when I'm here, I do. In New York I almost feel guilty at the idea of having children, its like having a pet there. The excuse not to is that they wouldn't have a yard, or space, or time with me so it wouldn't really be fair to the pet....or child. When I'm here I want to fill the space with family. 3 kids isn't enough, it would need to be 4, its just more fun that way. It interests me that based on my environment, based on my space, or proximity, I feel like a different person. The question is which one do I want to be?

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

This is the part where I decide to put down in type, my rantings about being a pseudo mormon single woman living in Brooklyn. There are a lot of weird things that happen because of my inability to choose a side. But those are the adventures I hope some other women might be able to relate to. And, I am just full of myself enough to put it online where anyone can see:) Here goes nothing!