EGGS

WAIT WHAT?!!! I just watched The New Girl and they said you lose like 90% of your eggs by the time you're 30. I am 30! In January! That means I might as well be 40 which means I might as well be dead and I am never having kids or if I do they will have Down Syndrome!! FREAKING OUT!! How come no one ever told me this? I am not financially, emotionally, romantically, logistically set up to have children yet and I probably won't be for like 10 years and then it will be too late!! WTF? Okay, today has been really weird. Am I really not going to have a family? Is there anything I can do to change this? Like pay my tithing or something???

11/28/12 #MYSISTERSAID

TODAY yogurt and 2 eggs, walked Dakota, called my sister. "So do you want to get married the temple? Or do you honestly not care either way?" "I don't know, when I think about it I picture the Gossip Girl episode of when Chuck Bass went to a masquerade. The one where it was the super secret skull and bones kind of club. I don't think the temple is evil like that, I just feel really out of place." "So you are worried about the expectations that accompany the commitments you make there." "Yes! I mean- I already have issues about being imperfect, why would I want to make higher commitments that I will fail at? It's just further for me to fall. I already feel bad every Sunday I miss a meeting, I don't want to look in my underwear drawer every day and see garments compelling me to obedience. I don't want to feel guilty every time they are off my body. I don't want to hurt my spouse if I have a glass of wine. And when I think about getting married it feels totally foreign, like it could only happen in another universe. I mean, I could go, I'm temple worthy if I just pay my tithing. I could turn off my brain, go get married wear garments all as long as my brain is turned off. The problem is that my brain is turned on right now and the whole thing seems super heavy." "Getting married is a serious thing, you are choosing what the rest of your life will be like." "Yeah, I think its too much, I would combust under the pressure." "I feel like I swayed you away from it more than you were before." "I guess its better that I know though." She had to go to class, the conversation was like 2 hours long. That was the main of it. Maybe I'll add more later. Bear in mind, I grew up in the Red Rock Stake in Las Vegas, in the Summerlin Ward. Its probably the most righteous ward in the world, the Stake pulled almost all its leadership from it. I love the people there, it should have been translated by now. It's a lot to live up to. Their version of "just try your best" is not exactly average. Writing this now it all just seems like an excuse but I honestly think that a Mormon guy would be happier with someone else, so why do I keep looking for one? Especially if I'm psyched out by the temple.

DON'T BE PRECIOUS

Sometimes I forget, "don't be precious about art, just make it." Its liberating to be reminded of that. Maybe I'll make some today:)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

One of my favorite memories is my dad reading from my Grandmother's journal. She wrote about going to the soda shop, not doing drugs or drinking cause she just wasn't into it, and meeting her British pilot husband over the phone. I kept a journal at BYU, reading it is a little depressing because its mostly about my God guilt. I wish I had written about my day to day stuff. I also loved reading Susan Sontag's journal, it has short lists and vignettes of simple life stuff. It's easy to feel like I'm constantly recording thru things like Instagram and Facebook and blogs, and I think I am for sure, but there is nothing like the tactile handwritten journal all in one place. Somewhere you can flip back to a date and see what happened that day. Maybe if I get a beautiful book I'll actually use it. Leather or cloth, something that will disappear on a shelf and look good with other books. A book for every year, 365 pages.